Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Staying Alone

It may sound a little odd, specially when I am speaking, but its a fact that I have a fear of staying alone, really if ever I came to know that I have to stay alone even  for an hour, I get frightened.

Two to three years back, when I was at Delhi, I was not afraid of staying alone, it started at such a situation when I had nothing to do alone.

Don't know exactly the period and when and how it started, but after wards I try my best to get some one or other with me when I am alone.

You might have thinking, what this guy is, so coward that afraid when alone, well some times I say to myself the same.

I don't get afraid of darkness or some sort of ghosts, but I afraid of myself. Yes. Myself. wow interesting, can anybody afraid of himself ! But in fact, I do.

The reason is, people around me say I am a good man, but when I am alone, I prove to myself that I am not a good man at all. Always I was not thinking like that. I am staying alone soon after I completed my B.Com in the year 2003, and went to Chennai. Well, then I have some other friends with whom I was staying, so literally I cant say I was alone. Even though as I was staying apart my families, I say I was alone. 

I was not a good man at that time before every one's eyes, so I was not aware of my wrong doings, so each time I used to be alone, I was doing all the bad I can do.

There after when I came to Delhi, I got all the opportunities to be bad, and I did not leave a single of them, believe me. But after a year at Delhi, I got so good people around me, and I tried to be good before them. Then the first time I felt bad for what I do alone.

Time waits for none, so for me too. and with the passage of time, I tried my best to be good even when I was alone. This dragged me to a peculiar situation, I loved to do some thing, and that was bad, how to over come that ! Is it so easy to leave some thing which you love the most ?

No, some great man like Mahatma Gandhi can do so, but I am not, and I was forced to be in a situation which was beyond my control, I was doing such acts which were under my control, but my heart never let me to control over it.

But I know, one can not change his nature, but stop himself from doing the wrong. So I searched for the thing that will stop me staying alone.

Then I realized some thing, that I do all good if even a single person is with me, so I started calling any one t be with me, so that I will stop myself from committing any mistake again. It is the time when I started searching for friends, those who can have some time to spend for me. But I never knew that the most difficult thing to get is time of friends.

And I never got such a friend at Delhi, I got many friends, they spend some time with me, but were never did that happily. That made me so depressed, because, neither I could stay alone, nor I was getting any one to be with me. I tried my best, but all the times I had to stay alone, I never got the friend. There were many reasons, and all the reasons say I was not good to them when they want from me.

Well, this is the time when I started afraid of loneliness. And today I have reached a day, when I don't want any one around me as my friend, and at the same time I cant stay alone. Frankly speaking, I feel frightened because I think of calling such persons around me who present themselves as my friend, but don't dare to give them a chance. This is my real fear. 

The hardest moment in any one's life is leaving a friend, I have lost many friends, starting from my school life, till today, so really I don't dare to leave those who are with me now. Don't exactly aware whether they are my friends or not, but I don't want to give them a chance to pretend like a friend. So I just keep myself away from every  one around me. 

The way I think may not be correct, but if I get happiness from it, then it is the best way to live.

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