Sunday, October 14, 2012

Self Realizaton

It was the last Sunday before Dashera. Though it was not festive season in Delhi like we have in Odisha, yet celebration of Navratri was incomparable. The plays of Sri Ram were played at every corner of the city, and voluminous sounds of these programs were remarkable.

I was sitting in a park. There was a large gathering of people, specially kids. And it was very interesting to watch kids running across the park, laughing, jumping... Perhaps this was the scene that used to help me forgetting what I wanted to forget.

I was lost amongst them, but was not happy. I was feeling like weeping, yet my eyes were dry. There were two kids playing in that park, with whom I have talked earlier. One of them came near me and said, "Brother your phone is ringing". Then I realised, oh yes... And it was ringing since last half an hour. I was lost in that situation that I could not see my phone ringing. There were more then 20 miscalls and some 10 sms. 

I saw them, thought of calling back, but stopped myself.

It was the Sunday before Dushera. A couple of days ago, I had planned a lot of things for this day. I had asked my friends to accompany me in Dushera shopping. It would have been fun out there with friends. May be I can spend my whole Sunday with my friends. And I had plan to come home for Dushera just a day after. I did not want to come home empty hand. So shopping was some kind of necessity for me.

But as Saturday night passed, all my plan had been proven to be a nightmare. There was none to come with me to the Shopping mall. There was none to spend the whole day with me. 

I thought of answering the sms, I thought of calling back to that number, but could not command my hand to do so. with a little anger, I came home, put the mobile in silent mode, and kept it away from me. 

It was not because I was angry or I was sad or I was trying to take any revenge. But I was preparing myself. I was preparing myself to come out of the illusion, to come out of the dreams world. 

My dream world was very beautiful. I was laughing always, I had friends around me every time, my friends were so nice that they used to understand me when ever I feel alone. 

My dream world was very beautiful. There was some one very close to me, there was some one who wanted to talk with me all the time, there was some one who used to miss my calls and sms.

My dream world was really very beautiful. But not the real world. In the real world, there were some nice people around me, who were trying to teach me the reality of this world. 

There were some nice people around me, who taught me the taste of pain, they taught me the pain of missing. They taught me many secrets of life, one of them was to come out of the dream world and to accept the reality as soon as possible.

This time I was just trying to practice what I have learned from them. I kept my mobile away from me. It was because in real world nobody prefers to call me, nobody wants my sms. 

That day I was getting calls and sms, because some one was thinking I am sad because of her. Some one was thinking I am going to far from her. Some one was thinking this may be end of our relation.

And she was right. That became an end to our relation. Because in real world, this was to happen, sooner or later. This was bound to happen. That day or a day later, there would have none to call me. So it was better for me to accept the reality at the earliest.

And I did the same. Waited till the time I could control myself. At last I could make my heart understand that there is nobody waiting for me. Its just for the time being. I dont need any friend to be with me all the time to survive. if I will survive, there will be some one with me.

My friends will be with me because I exist, I wont exist looking at a particular person as my friend. What happened if some one is not with me that day, what happened if I am not important for some one ? I am important for me. 

On realising the same, I took my mobile, saw 105 miscalls, and 28 sms. Some 10+ sms were asking me to pick the call, some 5+ sms to give excuses for not coming with me, and dont remember exactly what were the other sms were for. But the last sms was "GOOD BYE".

I laughed at myself. Called back at that number twice. Nobody answered. When I called third time, the call was rejected. Next time I did not call. Just replied back, "I was asleep. Now going to market. Bye". 

Just after a second, I got a call. On the other side, she was crying. I asked what happened ? In reply I got another question, " You dont want to talk with me, dont you ? Ok. Bye". She could not speak that time. 

I thought Oh, my God. What I did. I had such a nice friend, and I could not know her. I did a big mistake. I should have picked the phone earlier, I should have called her earlier. But it was too late. Now I should apologize to her.

I called her back, And once, twice, thrice.. But all calls were rejected. Then I got a msg, "Ak, I cant talk now. Will call you soon". And I sent a sms in reply, the same continued till mid night. I thought my dream world is not just my dream, there is some reality in it. 

Couple of weeks later, it was the last Sunday before Diwali. And I had to shop a lot for Diwali too. I thought I have some nice friends, surely they will be with me on this occasion. 

But not to my surprise, there was none to come with me. I was sad again, I was sitting in that park again, I was lost watching the kids again. Soon I realised I have got a call. Oh, its she again. Now she will say some excuses. Who will hear those words ? Better not to talk now. The kids were really amazing, and I preferred to enjoy with them, instead of hearing some lies. 

After an hour I saw, oops, 20 miscalls ?? Oh, lets talk now. Its not good to keep some one waiting. I called back, and heard the crying voice again. I did not ask what happened this time. I just heard what ever was being spoken. At the end, I laughed hard and said, oh dear... I was just sleeping. I am not sad, nor I am angry. Its ok, you must have some important work to do. Its fine I can understand. 

Wow, what a nice feeling talking in that fashion. I laughed with me aloud. And said to myself, see I am your only friend who never leaves you. catch me right man, and be happy.

That was the biggest lesson I got in my life. This one relisation made me happy inside. From outside I may seem to be angry or sad, but inside, I have a nice friend, who never leaves me. That was me indeed.

Wonder what happened next ?? Just a couple of months after I was no more at Delhi. I got back my all child hood friends, I got back the love of my home town. Got some new friends, And today there is no difference between my dream world and my real world. Some times the real world seems better then my dream world.

This is self realisation. No one can teach this to anyone except the self.

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